Currently listening to: Dream Theater's Pull Me Under

Dan's playing downstairs and Lyn's catching up on some rest. Here I am just browsing at a leisurely pace. Downtime, ya know. We've been getting a huge load of calls all week with no time to blog or browse - I do take a sneek peek at hi-fi from between calls though. All of our breaks have been cut short due to the high call volume. So when they give the green signal to take 10 minutes off, I go straight downstairs and then it's munchmunchmunch gobblegobblegobble gulpgulpgulpgulpgulpgulp. Can't complain though, the pay's good and I just hope they keep us (international agents) for at least a year. I can commit to doing this for year. That's not too bad, right? I have bills to pay off and once that's done we can save up a bit.

I was supposed to do the lesson plan for my Japanese class but I guess I can do that tomorrow. I think they all grew a grey watching me procrastinate, LOL (little Incubus reference there, sorry).

Dan took his first trip to the dentist last Saturday (10/29/05). We need to switch his toothpaste and brush his teeth more thorughly, lest he get early tooth decay the dentist warns. Too bad I didn't bring my camera along. He had some flouride treatment to prevent his teeth from getting caivities. The doctor seems like the mataray type. She was kinda stern when warning us about the dangers of taking a bottle to bed. Doctor says there's a small caivty starting in his one of his molars so we should brush it really well. Easier said than done. Sobrang likot ni Dan kaya (damn you cofibean, you're corrupting my grammar). I thought as long as the nipple isn't soaked in his mouth all night, it would be no big deal. Turns out he shouldn't have milk in his mouth at all during the night. Well, what can we do? He cries in the middle of the night when he's hungry. I could try giving him just water but he can tell the difference even if he's asleep.

Oh, and we went trick-or-treating with one of our students and his mom yesterday:


He sure likes Slim Shady


you just got served, fool

Lyn and Andro


Andro, our student

You know what? I'm not as pissed off as I may seem. It's just I don't write here until I am. It's just my release I guess. We all have different reasons why we post on our journals. But outside of my blog, I do experience a wider range of emotions beyond the steam I blow off here. I was upset yesterday because this PC of mine has been suddenly resetting by itself a few times in the past month or so. No error messages, when it comes back on though. Gino says it might be the power supply acting up, or maybe the processor overheating. Well, I did keep this box in a somewhat cramped space. So me and Lyn did a little bit of rearranging here to allow better ventilation for the computer.

What keeps my gut in worried little knots is that I haven't fully paid my mom back for this PC yet (just one-third by Monday). After that's out of the way, I have other overdue bills to pay, not to mention some car maintenance stuff as well. Oh well, it's only money right? Oh please dear computer of mine, don't flake out on me - give it a decade or so, ok? Pwede ba yun ha?

I know I should see the positive things in life, appreciate all the good stuff I have going for me. I should be happy that I work out of home. I should be grateful in spite of the fact that I'm always strapped for cash, I still have a warm bed and a hot meal to look forward to everyday. I should be happy that I'm surrounded by many people who care for me and go out of their way to make my life easier.

Many, many other people have it a lot worse than me...I know, I know. So why do I flip out when trouble comes along?

Several years ago (towards the end of my college days), I slowly resolved, little by little, to be an adult in the full sense of the word. Meaning that I should always find a way to meet any problems head-on, with drama and whining kept to a minimum. But you know what, you'd think after all this time I'd be like that by now. But no, I'm really not that type. Kahit ipilit ko pa sa sarili ko. I'm probably just better at hiding my flabbergast-ness now than I was before. I may have moments of crystal clear clarity from time to time, but on a general basis I throw a bitch fit (well, when no one's looking anyway). I guess I'm not as grown up as I thought I would be.

Maybe I need anger management classes or something. Going back to what I said, that's why I rant online. Everything seems peachier the morning after.

That is all.

You know what I like about Star Trek? The fact that they've done away with the whole concept of currency. By the twenty-somethingeth century, all mankind has decided that there is no need to use that extra-special sheet of paper we need to have piles and piles of to keep ourselves happy.

What makes a man? Is it the brute physique? The steel will? The iron resolve to weather any cirumstance and obstacle? IMHO, it's the diskarte. No, it's the diskaaaaaarrrte, because you know, you have to say it with a street-smart edge to emphasize the full weight and effect of the said concept. So that's what makes a man what he should be. That, and the ability to squeeze every amount of production from one's phyiscal being - not to mention the ability to exist on a few hours of sleep. I heard that Batman developed some sort of Far Eastern meditation technique that allows him to cram a good night's sleep into three hours. Teach me, he must.

OT, here I come.

Yeah, so what brought about these idle musings? I just did the math today, and the semi-fat paycheck I'm expecting tomorrow (or on Monday, God forbid) is barely gonna cover the pending expenses. Aaaand, one of our ex-students still hasn't paid up.

Since I'm on the subject, let me say something about their family. They're basically your trailer trash family that hit it big through their successful trucking business. Let me say this: money doesn't buy class.

Being loaded as they are, it's ironic that they're dodging my follow up calls for their over-fucking-due payments. Mayaman ka nga, jologs naman ugali mo, bobo pa sa ingles. In preparation for a science test, I asked his smelly, overgrown son what the benefit of exercise is. His frickin' reply:

"IT MAKES OUR FAT LOOSE"

Potah. Saan ka nakakita ng ganyang kabobong estudyante? Daig pa sya ng isa naming tinuturuan na nasa grade 1. Yeah, I'm judging them, but what can I say, the truth hurts. I'm pissed ok? Go away.

I shouldn't be doing this right now because the more windows I have open, the more memory it eats up, which might screw up my softphone. Normally having a lot of applications running while taking calls is ok, but my newly installed DSL connection at home is acting up. 230 kbps? Who are they kidding? It should be 512. My PC was working perfectly fine at Len's place, but now I get disconnected every now and then, in addition to the slow connection. Could it be that they installed the splitter for the landline (which is an extension) right next to my PC upstairs? I checked the diagram at the DSL website and it shows that the splitter should go through the modem cable AND the main phone, which is downstairs. If that's the case, then maybe I get booted off whenever someone uses the phone downstairs. Then they'll probably have to reinstall the splitter so it feeds through the main phone instead of the extension I have beside me now.

This spotty connection is pissing me off! I'm using this for work, dammit. I have to restart my softphone application every now and then just to make sure it's still running and ready to receive calls. Customer service says it might be due to the fact that it was just installed yesterday, hence the unstable connection. But that was more than 24 hours ago - they said it should clear up by then.

AND the PC just rebooted by itself all of a sudden. Good thing I was on break that time. I don't know what happened, could it have been a loose power cable? Or did the extension cord or AVR come loose? My steps were quite light, so I don't know. I just hope it doesn't happen again.

It reminds me of the other non-working PC they have here. The power light comes on, but nothing comes through the monitor. There are some cases where it would boot up fine and you could even open applications, but the screen would suddenly black out or the picture would turn garbage. Maybe it's the video card, or the memory's screwed up, I honestly don't know. Or maybe it's because the monitor for that broken PC feeds through the CPU for its power supply rather than having a separate power cord to go into an outlet. And that monitor is what I have hooked up to my own PC now. I have to pick up my own monitor from Len's place tomorrow. I have this sinking feeling that this monitor might be one of the culprits involved in the fall of its former PC.

So here I am, waiting for the DSL helpdesk to call me back for the ticket I logged FOUR hours ago. Maybe I'm reaping the seeds that I've sown during my own days as a customer service rep at my last job.

There are just so many factors left to chance right now. I'm glad I've come this far, but I need to be employed for at least six months at this job so I can pay off my mom, who charged this costly computer to her card for now.

I swear, I'm right about ready to chew my fingers off. My nails would've been gone by now if I was the type that bit them during these kinds of situations.

To quote Tom Cruise's character in Vanilla Sky:

"It's a nightmare!! Tech support!!!"

I'm at it again. The computer screen is looking at me, not the other way around. Web browsing for a few hours can do that to you. After a few months of hiatus, the routines, feelings and little things of the past have to come to settle in my subconscious again. The red, wide-open eyes, the numbing boredom, and all the other things in between are coming back to me. Am I destined to just be a phone monkey forever?

I tell myself that I'm also teaching in the afternoon, that way I can prove that I'm not typecasted to answer phone calls all the time (tama ba grammar?). I shouldn't complain though; I've waited a long time to get back into this kind of work because the job lets me work at home. It won't be like before. Plus, the pay is even bigger than what I used to earn by two grand. I am lucky to be given this opportunity. Still, the old trappings of my last job are coming back to haunt me. But I am grateful to have been accepted, no doubt about it.

The thing is I'm working out of another location until I can get the DSL connection hooked up at home. When I start taking calls from home, things will get better. It's a tradeoff though. I'm seeing less of my son since I get up late. Lyn teaches preschool kids early in the morning, so I see to Dan's grooming for now. When I get up, I hurriedly give him his vitamins and give him a bath. Then it's off to our learning center. I stay there until late afternoon and head off to my boss' office to do call center work from her home. As soon as I get the DSL connected at the house, I don't have to drive all the way to Mandaluyong. Besides, I'm wearing out my welcome here IMHO because all I do here is eat (aside from taking calls). Don't get me wrong, she's very accommodating and all, pero nakakahiya na kasi.

The real reason for this post is because I was going over the Friendster account of my classmate back in high school. I browsed through some of the pictures of her at parties with the other people from my batch, and felt something stir within me. I thought to myself "god, after all this time, they're still hanging out".

I felt jealous. Yes, I was envious that they've kept close ties with one another, while here I am, alienated from most of the people in my past. I can't imagine them seeing me like this: worn out, haggard-looking and weary. I look at them, and they look great. If some of them might have made fun of me behind my back before, I can't imagine what they'd say now. God! I feel so pathetic right now. I can't imagine why I'm even writing this.

Well, I guess I should have only myself to blame for not being more outgoing back then. I was wrapped up in my own little world, letting many, many opportunities to shine pass me by in ignorant bliss. Hey could you really hold that against me? I was a teenager for crying out loud. I was supposed to be sullen, moody and withdrawn. Now I only have regret to chew on.

Forgive me for the continuous ranting, but my fingers are getting ahead of my brain.

But I should be grateful for what I have right? A wife and a kid to love, good health (well, that depends on who you ask), a job, a roof over my head, food on the table, and all that other stuff I know I shouldn't take for granted. So why do I feel this reverberating sensation of hollowness? It is it just lack of sleep (di ako nasanay di ba)?

But that's all I wanted to say, just so I can get it out of my system. By tomorrow, my current thoughts will be nothing but a dull memory I'll shrug off.

The Phone Monkey is Alive Once Again

On the third day of training and we've just gone soft live. So far so good. I hope I didn't mess up on the job. And I hope the DSL connection at home get sets up ASAP. It's cool to hang out at Len's place, but I'd rather go straight to bed after my shift. Night shift is now a good thing, since that means I still get to teach nihongo during the day. After a few months of hiatus, it's strange to be back in the game. My goal is to pay back mom for the new PC I got within two months.

Woohoo, here I go again.

SOB STORY # 25641

There was one particular Friday I remember when our newly hired yaya of two days suddenly decided to quit. Her husband showed up to inform us that her mother didn't want her to be a nanny. So she packed up her stuff and left before noon. She didn't even give us time to find a replacement, let alone wait until the next day. We decided to go to Sta. Ana, Manila so we could leave Dan with Lyn's relatives and go all the way back to Taytay to tutor the kids. The problem was that the car was color-coded for the day and there was no way we could make it back to to beat the 3PM deadline. Consequently, we cancelled all our classes for that day and headed to MegaMall to wait for the to be lifted at 7PM.

Lyn, Dan and I roamed the mall, virtually flat broke, with barely enough to feed ourselves (although we did bring milk for Dan). We passed most of the time at the video arcade. We didn't actually play any games - we just sat by the bench and carried Dan around to distract him when he would get restless.

I don't recall any other time when I felt more pitiful or pathetic. The song "Esem" by Yano comes to mind. Maybe it's my pride talking, but I don't ever want to feel like that ever again. Kawawang-kawawa kami nung araw na yun. All because of that bitch. She has no idea what inconvenience she caused us that day.

When I think about how upset I was that day, I decided that I would use my anger to fuel my desire to excel. I'm not going to let myself or them fall into that kind of situation again. Kainis talaga! Tangina.

AS RANDOM AS IT GETS

So I finally caved in and watched the not-so-original copy of Batman Begins at home. I tried holding off seeing it until I could get my hands on a clear copy, but the temptation had proven to be too much. The reason is that I don't want to rob myself of experiencing the film the way it was meant to be - namely with decent picture and audible dialogue. Well, that policy only applies to movies I really want to watch.

Dan's awake. I'll be back.

As I was saying, even though the copy I watched was crap, I enjoyed the film. It's disappointing not to have watched it on the big screen. I'll just have to imagine what is must have been like and assume it was thoroughly enjoyable. Oh well, I'll get to see it original video someday.

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"Kuya Marko, pwede ba maglaro si Dan sa bahay namin?"

All I could I give was a polite "no", or something like "ay wag na lang muna". What I really wanted to say was "sorry kid, I don't want to give your uncle an excuse to be his psycho self again. He'll just throw another bitch fit and beat someone up". I'm talking about our next door neighbors, my mom-in-law's siblings (and their kids). There's one particular brother mom-in-law has that's actually a nice guy, but has violent tendencies. When we didn't have anyone to leave Dan with in the past, sometimes we would ask them if they could take care of him while we were at work. There were also times when when we'd leave Dan and his new yaya at their place because we didn't trust her alone with our kid. Apparently, the said psycho uncle got pissed off whenever we would do so. So says his mom (mom-in-law's mother): "nagagalit siya pag iniiwan dito si Dan kasama ng yaya niya. Kung sinu-sino daw yung pinapapasok dito". As if he bought and owned the house. Nakikitira lang sila. Asshole.

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So you want to be a phone monkey eh? Well let me tell you right now sonny, it ain't no walk in the park (or the graveyard in this case). With your overpriced taste, you'll come to find that your paycheck won't be enough, nor justify the work you're going to do. I'm talking about my bro-in-law, whom I shall refer to as Whiny Boy.

WB is actually nice to me, but he's a spoiled brat. He's too busy with Ragnarok, hanging, and jamming with his band to be bothered with school. He's planning to file a LOA so he can apply for a call center job. When I asked him what for, he said "sawa na ako sa kakahingi". Tangina mo pare. Sabihin mo lang masyado ka lang magastos. Your parents are breaking their back to make a living...just so they can send your lazy ass to school, you inconsiderate little shit. Selfish little prick.
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Shampoo commercials suck. Next to the devil, they must be the greatest perpetrator of lies. Honestly, do you really expect me to believe that using your overhyped product will make anyone's hair look as artificially straight as the model's??

All my precious comments gone :( all swallowed up by the beast known as the malfunction of enetation.co.uk. So here I am to start anew. Feel free to post about the previous posts, etc.

Waiting for Lyn to get out of UE. We barely made it on time by the skin of our teeth - a few minutes shy of 6:30 AM. Hopefully, they'll be letting them out for lunch, which is an hour from now. Aggh, they don't allow mobile phones in the testing area (understandably) so I'm gonna have to wait for Lyn by 12 noon even if I'm not sure if she's getting out by then. I should have looked at it before she went in this morning. In the meantime, I'm just lazing about in a suprisingly good net cafe at Recto. The connection is fast enough to rival that of the office of my last job. I just tried downloading some files, it's pretty damn fast I say. It's not that seedy either. Well-lit, good PCs and friendly staff. However, I did see a baby roach crawl across the keyboard to my right. But at 15 bucks an hour, it's a very good deal. They even charge by the minute.

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts - where hast thou gone? They're always swarming and buzzing in my head when I'm cut off from online access, and then flutter away when I have decent time to blog. I'm still waiting for a call from my former manager so they can set up an interview. I had hesitated to post about it here out of fear of jinxing the whole thing, but I can't keep my anxiety to myself any longer. If I do get the job, it means more income for us, and less sleep for me. But I honestly don't mind.

Uh-oh, suddenly my tummy doesn't feel so good. I wonder if they have a bathroom here?

Anyway, business is still fledgling, but Lyn and I are trying to our best to keep it up and running. Oh, and Master Nemo has joined our staff as a part-time tutor :) Teaching grade school kids is rewarding and frustrating at the same time. Well, rewarding for teaching smart and cooperative students and frustrating on account of teaching slow and stubborn ones.

Too bad I didn't bring my flash drive with me. I'm thinking they could save mp3s from here since Windows XP doesn't give you any hassle about using portable USB storage devices [like 98 does (the OS that the net cafe at our village has)].

Let's hit the publish button and see if that'll do it for now. If nothing follows below, I guess that'll be it for now.

The working day hasn't started for me yet, but I'm already a bit drained. Just swept and mopped the office. Afterwards, I put together the dialogue we're going to use for tomorrow's lesson...as well as the overdue quiz. All in all, I started 10:45 AM and finished 12:35 PM.

Arrgh, so here I am at a net cafe trying to hear myself think while the elementary kids nearby are playing some network game. Not the usual smelly ragnarok scum, but loudmouthed all the same. Well that's the price for trying to blog in a net cafe.

Anyway, we're still trying to gain momentum as far as the business is concerned. I'm also looking to get another job to supplement our income. Hope the interview is scheduled soon. I had so many thoughts pouring in last night, but now they're all gone. Oh well, I have to go home for lunch so I can be back at the office by 1:45 PM. Time is always against us, as Morpheus said.

A Very Rushed Update

Ok, here goes...I have a job interview on Monday as I'm applying for a part-time position as a Japanese/English teacher . I actually had a first interview with them already this week, but they told me to review my grammar notes and come back to do a demo lesson. I must say that speaking and writing in English on a daily basis for three years (during my previous job) does not automatically make you a good teacher. You'd think that after all that time, teaching grammar would be a breeze. Wrong. It's one thing to use the language, and an entirely different matter to teach the theories and rules behind it. Honestly, I'm less anxious with what I'm going to demo for my Japanese stuff. We'll see how it turns out next week.

Had the two front tires replaced yesterday. The old ones were so worn out that they were causing the steering to wiggle already. It's smooth driving from now on. The airconditioner at the office is leaking freon. Repairs amount to P2500...good god. Expenses abound...what's new, right?

I guess that does it for now. I'll be coming back when time allows it.

Well, well, it's been a long time since I last posted here. The PC at home has fallen to the dark side. Hardware failure suffered it has, yesss...hmm.

Anyway, I was finally able to squeeze in some quality blog time while waiting for Lyn to get back. As of this writing, I'm in a seedy little net cafe in some far-flung corner in Recto. Lucky me, it seems that the staff here has enough taste to play some Incubus songs I haven't heard in ages. I forgot how depressing it is to walk along the streets of Manila. The last time I set foot in this area when I was still boarding at Jamir's place behind UST.

So, time for some updates I suppose. Running your own business does have its perks and downsides. At least it's easier to go home and you spend less on food since the house is pretty close to where our office is. Acting as the admin/Japanese teacher is quite exhausting I tell you. But I feel good knowing that my brain has come to life again after it eventually atrophied over a three year call center gig LOL. I'm still adjusting to life outside my comfort zone (sans DSL connection and sitting around all day), but it'll soon pass. Financial matters occupy my thoughts as well. It's different when you don't have a paycheck to look forward to every two weeks. Hopefully, we'll get more students and increase revenue soon. All in all, being directly responsible for your livelyhood builds character I guess.

Speaking of teaching, I have a lot of ground to recover since I've forgotten some of the basics of grammar. I wouldn't want to look like a fool in front of my students right? Hai, mo ichido benkyou shite! Fortunately, the kids I'm teaching haven't caught on and I'm still able to create the illusion that I know what I'm talking about - for now.

We also launched an exhibit last weekend to feature the work of our visual art students. It was a small and modest affair with good grub. It'll be open until the end of this week. Hey, one of my former co-workers dropped by the commercial center where our office is located at. He and his girlfriend just finished playing ragnarok (yechh) when I ran into them. What is it about that crappy game anyway? I love video games (I've been playing them since third grade), so when I say ragnarok sucks, you can consider that an educated opinion. It's annoying hearing the same repetitive sound effects when the shitty little sprite based characters start fighting their wussy little battles. Wha-bish! Wha-bish! Wha-bish! Yecchhhh. "Different strokes for different folks" is right on the mark in this case.

What else? Oh yeah, we caught Episode III a week and half ago. Okay, here's my very brief two cents: while the physical, tangible technical aspects of the moviemaking process may be a cause of endless debate for many fans, one has to appreciate the story, concept and spirit of the saga as a whole. Putting every scene, line of dialogue, or any subtle nuance under a microscope is not the point at all. I love the way story flowed from incredible potential, to falling from grace, and finally redemption - all in a period of 12 hours. Yes, the reality of shooting a movie is quite daunting and may get in the way of the simple, earnest desire to tell an otherwordly tale; but I think we have to look past some niggling points and realize the beauty of storytelling.

For instance, wouldn't you all agree that it's nice how (considering the whole framework of the Force) Anakin was indirectly responsible for bringing balance to the galaxy far, far away? His children were his and the Force's way to evening things out in the end. Also, It was satisfying to finally bear witness to the actual moment when Anakin was physically and morally transformed into one of the most famous villains in popular fiction. At last, the dark lord of Sith has arisen.

Well, that's it for now. Hope to write again soon.

Phone Monkey, Out

One hour to go until I go home. One hour left officially as a Customer Service Representative.

And so ends my three-and-a-half-year odyssey as a drone of the digital empire. Good times, bad times - you know the whole deal. I was remotely teary-eyed at the start of my shift, but now I'm just anxious. I want to think about it not as resigning from a high-paying (well higher than the average entry level kind) job, but as opening my doors for other opportunities.

Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? I gotta do something fast lest we go hungry. Well, I know I'll find something adequate to replace the financial vacuum I've just created.

I'm actually too lazy to sort out the people at work that I'd like to acknowledge. I might forget someone unintentionally and hurt his/her feelings, soooo here goes my universal shout-out to all of you at work:

My deepest thanks go out to all of you who've I've shared a moment with. It could have been a short, meaningful conversation during a smoke or during a lull in the phone queue. It could have been a good laugh we shared between ourselves, or a good IM chat we had amidst the humdrum routine of work. Whatever it was, thanks for sharing that shred of time of with me. That single moment in time we had will forever be etched into history. No one and nothing can ever take that away.

Thanks to all those that helped me out here in one way or another. Thanks for showing me the ropes when I was still a hapless newbie. Thanks for putting up with whatever foul-ups I might have committed. Thanks for being there when I needed you.

And my apologies to any toes I inadvertently stepped on while we were out there on the floor, earning our daily bread. I really am a nice guy if you got to know me better.

Somehow, somewhere I'm going to run into you guys again. I'm not the most touchy-feely person out there, but believe me when I say there must a purpose for having crossed paths with you all.

Besides, it's not like I'm going to vaporize into thin air, right? See you all on the other side :)

Phone Monkey, out.

Life, One Bullet Point At a Time

My day so far:

• Woke up at 8AM
• Had breakfast with Lyn and Dan (fed him nilaga with rice, he didn't like the breaded fish with tartar sauce, or maybe he just doesn't like the sauce)
• Briefly checked email and other sites from the house (dial up is behaving ok now, must be the PLDT vibe prepaid card and the system restore I did last night to remove the spyware brought about by a downloaded patch for ragnarok)
  
• Gave Dan a bath, put him to sleep
• Took a nap while Dan was sleeping
  
• Left Dan with the neighbors (Lyn's relatives)
• Left the house in a frenzied rush (and late at that)
• Arrived at work five minutes late
• Rescheduled a long delayed mother's day dinner with my mom for Wednesday
  
• Chatted with my friend (in the US) online and helped him track down his mom's friend that lives here (made a few calls to ask around)
  
• Had a late lunch (Abrea is the shiznitz)
• Took some calls
• Did some emails
• Waiting for my shift end

How was your day?

-

I close my eyes and everything goes black. I turn up the live version of "Pull Me Under" by Dream Theater to the unbearable point of loudness in an attempt to reproduce the rush that the audience got when they played this. In my opinion, a band's mettle is truly tested when they’re playing in front of a live crowd. It’s only then that you’ll see if they can actually pull off their songs or if they’re merely products of heavy studio tweaking. Well, I have to hand it to them – they are good.

The crunch of the guitar. The pounding of the drums. The ear-splitting, encompassing noise so thick you can take a bite out of it. The song ends and the crowd cheers.

My eyes open, and it’s back to reality. I ponder about my post call-center life. As of now, it’s just freelance writing prospects for me, and not many to boot. I intend to supplement the income from our tutorial business with my non-existent writing gigs. I hope that turns out well.

Less than a month to go. Tick-tock.

Of Job Prospects and Wasted Cash

So I sent sanitized versions (sans profanity) of some of my blog posts to a prospective employer that's looking for freelance writers. Hope I have what they're looking for. It took him a week to reply to my first email so it'll probably take just as long get word from him. Still looking elsewhere though...

I also applied for the third time to get my NBI clearance. I had done this before at the city hall, but I had forgotten to go back and claim it. It was consequently forfeited twice and wasted a good amount of money for the application fee. This time, they came over to the building we work in, so it was a painless process. No lines, no sweltering heat. It'll take a week for them to remit the actual form to me.

Just got home to gas up the car. Upon entering our village, an oncoming tricycle cut my lane to park at the nearby terminal on my side. I managed to slow down and honked my horn out of anger. The wife told me the guy’s name was Pablo, apparently another member of this village’s hardcore community. She advised me to take the car tomorrow, for he might wait for me in some dark corner. Fuck, he was the one that cut me off, now I have to pay for the grave outrage of honking my horn at his dumb ass? Oooh, hardcore indeed.

At the start of our nanny’s tenure, I had made it clear that she would take her rest day when it was mine as well. Furthermore, I had told her that my rest days don’t necessarily fall on the weekends every week. Well, now she’s requesting that she needs to take her off on Saturday. The only way for her to do that is if I’m on the night shift, which I think will be all that’s left for me anyway. To be fair, she’s pro-active when it comes to chores and has other good traits. But what I don’t like is that she neglects Dan’s back when he’s perspiring. And since she’s a bit old, I sometimes worry if she’s strong enough to carry my kid – she looks a bit on the frail side.

Just venting here.

Off To a Rough Start

Coming from a two-day rest period, today didn't quite start out as well I wanted to. I woke up late, and since it was way too early (3:45 am) there wasn't any food yet. The water I was preparing for my bath was dirty. The water in our area is drawn from a deep well so when they clean the huge water tank for our area, it usually yields some residue. It was a good thing that we had some clean water stored in a separate container set aside for shortages, etc.

Since there were no tricycles around at the time, I had to walk to the gate of our village. I'm pretty much used to this when my shift is this early but today was different. It was a nice and rushed walk and I was inhaling the cold morning air when I heard barking from behind me. Now I'm used to passing by stray and owned dogs; they don't really do anything but bark at me. This time though I knew something was up because I recognized the particular dog as I turned around. It was the mean one that was usually chained up by his drunkard of a master.

To my suprise, this son of a bitch was free to roam the streets and was coming up behind me fast. I thought it was useless trying to run so I stopped in my tracks and faced him. I menacingly swung my backpack his direction to scare him off. It worked - he barked and backed off. It looked like he was gonna try again so I did the same thing. I thought to myself it wasn't so bad since nobody saw me as it was too early for anyone to be around. Of course, someone had to be walking nearby at that hour thereby bearing witness to my skirmish.

Even if the ride to work was fast, I still arrived late from all the delays I had. And I left my gel at home so my short hair looks like a bit of a train wreck from the strong draft from the jeepney trip. GREAT. Nothing a little trip to washroom can't fix I guess.

Oh, I'm having second thoughts about sending the email to that person. Going to back to my last entry, the other thing I learned is to be selective with the person you want to have an honest talk with. In some cases, it'll just blow up in your face. Which is why I'm hesitant now; I don't think he really gives a shit about me, let alone what I have to say.

Choking On That Jagged Little Pill

It's usually when I'm lying in bed at night that I have a few epiphanies of sorts. Right after putting my kid to sleep last night and observing him in that peaceful state, thoughts came flooding in once again. In the dark, I was pondering on a recent scuffle I had with someone. We had exchanged a series of nasty words via IM, and one thing led to another. Shortly after, I had done something out of anger. Realizing my lapse in judgment, I worked up the nerve to apologize to the said person. Initially, I was thinking about just letting things blow over and act like nothing happened. But then, my conscience and embarrassment was gnawing away at me so much that I couldn't bear NOT to patch things up.

So I went over and made the first move and explained my side, the reasons behind my anger, and of course apologized. Hostility gave way to understanding on both sides, and mutual admissions of guilt were exchanged. All in all, it went well. We were cool after that. But what was keeping awake was the fact that I was so determined to fix things with that person. Looking back, I made the first move because I couldn’t bear to see another breakdown of human relations occur in my life. These recent years, I’ve become familiar with the bitter aftertaste when you end up creating a chasm of misunderstanding with a friend or family member. Prior to those recent years (college onwards), I never knew what it was like not be on speaking terms with someone you were previously close with (with the exception of a couple of the neighbors I grew up with).

Sure, I had spats with my playmates as a kid, but those were trivial and petty; everybody goes through those while growing up. But when I hit college, I realized what a nauseous sensation it was to be estranged from someone you shared good times with before. I couldn’t stomach the feeling of someone hating you for whatever reason. The most probable reason why I’m still bummed out about the rift between my college blockmates is that I put my pride on the line. In the name of reconciliation, I hung my self-esteem out to dry so they could wring it out for what it was worth. But what did I get out of it? Nothing, except a hefty dose of conceited, backstabbing goodness. I put myself out there and they didn’t even have the decency of talking about what happened (well at least not to my face). If their beef with me was so bad, why didn’t they have the balls to say it in front of me?

To this day, some deep, buried part of me is still pissed off. Why? I had put myself out there and tried to be as honest and frank as possible, even if it was difficult. I had admitted my shortcomings and earnestly tried to be a civilized human being. Still, that wasn’t enough for them. For all the courage I mustered up to talk about sensitive issues, I just got burned in the end. Adding insult to injury, they acted like we were good friends again and like nothing happened when I met up with them several years after.

Right at that moment last night, it just hit me. After all these years of reflection, it’s apparent that there’s really nothing wrong with me. I had messed up, but not that bad. If they couldn’t find it in themselves to at least acknowledge my initiative then that’s their problem. With those thoughts, I can breathe better now. I’ve probably known it all along, but now I can freely say that I don’t need their goddamn approval. Not anymore, fuckhead spineless little shits.

So going back to my recent fracas, it just occurred to me that I wasn’t going let that happen - NOT AGAIN if I could help it. I was extremely relieved to know that my apology was accepted and that we could be on good (NOT just speaking) terms again. This time, I was actually applauded for what I did. I mentioned to the person that I know when I’m wrong, and that I couldn’t bear to see another relationship in my life go sour. I was told to my face, “it takes a man to do that”. Whew, that felt good. I guess I still have a scrap of decency left in me after all.

There is one other person I’ve been meaning to send an email to. After all that talk about being brave, somehow I can’t bear to talk to that someone face to face for now. Let’s see how that one goes.

Fight Club

This is too hardcore for my movie-watching, broken prose-writing, pseudo musical critic self. I had just finished watching Red Dragon (which was already gruesome for me) when my wife informed me that her younger brother had gotten himself in a tussle last night. He was peeing somewhere by the sidewalk in one the streets of our village when a bunch of guys decided to get their kicks by picking on him. Now I've criticized him for being such a lazy bum at times, but he's a nice guy really. And that comment has nothing to do with the fact that he actually beat his would-be assailant, much to their surprise. From what I heard, he managed to get the guy in a headlock and proceeded to pound the asshole's face with his fist. Talk about a makeover.

Apparently, the said hooligans are members of a well-known fraternity. It still makes my innards turn at the local concept of such organizations. In any case, my wife thinks they're just posing as members of the said group. She'll find out herself as soon as she gets the name of the guys that attacked her brother. The wifey used to hang out with a rough crowd back in high school and college so she knows a lot of people from the fraternity in question. She'll make a couple of phone calls I guess.

"Make a couple of phone calls" - is that mafia-like or what?

Oooooh, hardcore indeed.