Friday, January 30, 2004
Anger is a gift

It's the 30th, and this is the second time in a row that they got my pay wrong. I worked for that money. I'm thiking of a thousand horrible things that are just waiting to fall out of my mouth...but no, I'm better than that, and better than them. Maybe someone should cut their pay in half so they can see how infuriating it is. My rage right now is beyond (decent) words, and good manners. I'm going to the HR to raise hell if they don't fix it ASAP. God help them if they give me crap about this again.

Breathe in...breathe out...yeah, I can handle this, sure I can.

Thursday, January 29, 2004
I feel exhausted but in a good way. Pulling late-night baby duty is bad for my sleep habits, but looking at his little pudgy face is what keeps me going....especially when he giggles in his sleep. It's enough to justify smothering our little bundle of joy with kisses. I hope he grows up to be a better person than me. Having been a parent for a month now, it's overwhelming to look too far into the future. One day a time is my motto and mantra these days. It's hard to imagine myself walking the path that my Dad took 24 years ago. Even during my undergraduate years, I felt that my peers were way more mature than me - I felt positively infantile next to them.

Apolitical is an adjective that would fit me, but for some strange reason, I've gone to some anti-Erap sites and others that rage against the Philippine political machinery. I don't have much of an opinion on politics, but it's hard for me not to see what a pompous poser douchebag of a president Erap was. What burns me up is that he likes to polarize the brainwashed underprivileged masses against the other well-to-do social classes. When the chips are down for him, he'll blow the whole thing out of proportion and turn it into a class war. I can't get over the fact that his supporters are totally blind to his bullshit. Come on, how can one claim to be a man of the people while living out a lifestyle none of them could hope to have in three lifetimes?? It's hypocrisy at its best. Sheesh.

More on this tomorrow - gotta finish up on some stuff...
Monday, January 19, 2004
Shades of Smith

"I was walking along the road with two friends.
The sun was setting.
I felt a breath of melancholy -
Suddenly the sky turned blood-red.
I stopped, and leaned against the railing, deathly tired -
looking out across the flaming clouds that hung like blood and a sword
over the blue-black fjord and town.
My friends walked on - I stood there, trembling with fear.
And I sensed a great, infinite scream pass through nature."

- by Edvard Munch, 22 January 1892

Once again, the pressure is on. I can feel it permeating every pore of my body. It seeps in, crushing the core of my being little by little. Sometimes, I wish for a better version of myself: one who knows nothing of sickness, fatigue, hunger, or stress...and someone who can will himself at two places at once, or three even. I wish I could just shout my lungs out...a good catharsis to be sure.

This quote scares me because one day I might end up believing it:

"Guilt is like a bag of fuckin' bricks. All ya gotta do is set it down." (Al Pacino/John Milton, from the movie Devil's Advocate)

This next one (from the same movie) is unrelated to what I'm feeling now, but is equally scary (and true). This illustrates the double-edged-sword type of danger that democracy and free enterprise poses to humans:

"You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire; you build egos the size of cathedrals; fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God... and where can you go from there?" (Al Pacino/John Milton)

Thursday, January 15, 2004
Which Martix Persona do you emulate at the moment??

Miiissssterrrr Andersonnnnn.....

Don't need Quizilla to tell me that. The reason being that his statement below fits my view on life when I'm pissed off:

**Agent Smith is back at the window of the office, staring out into the world**

He turns to Agent Brown.

Agent Smith : Why isn't the serum working?

Agent Brown : Perhaps we're asking the wrong questions...

Agent Smith : Leave me with him!

**Agent Brown and Agent Jones look at each other, surprised**

Agent Smith : Now!

**They hurriedly leave**

**Agent Smith grabs Morpheus' head with his hands**

Agent Smith : Can you hear me, Morpheus? I'm going to be honest with you.. I hate this place...this..zoo, this..prison, this...reality.. whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer...

It's the smell. If there is such a thing...I feel... saturated by it. I can...taste, your stink. And every time I do, I feel I have somehow been..infected by it, it's repulsive! I must get out of here. I must get free...

Ok, so maybe it's not the smell, but just being dismayed about reality sometimes.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004

To The Karmic Gods of Justice:

If there is such a thing as karma, then the gods of retribution are coming to charge their dues today. A thousand pounds of emotional weight bears upon my shoulders. Is there anything I can do to pay your fees? Maybe you'll accept my tears as payment, I have plenty of that at the moment.
Sunday, January 11, 2004
RE: It Should All End, part 4 (a.k.a. Independence day)

In response to Ian's post, it reminds me of my own situation in 2001. I recently just graduated and moved in with my mom when she started living at a condominium in Boni. We were already having some long-standing personal issues between us, but it didn't reach its peak until that time. I don't really want to go into the details of it, but it ended with us having a huge argument one day, and me storming out of there with two gym bags full of my immediate possessions. It was more of emotional issues than financial actually.

I was confident to move out on extremely short notice because a few months back, my close friend was bugging me to move in with him. His family was renting a small 3 floor dorm at manila (right behind UST). So, as fate would have it, I moved in with him and his cousins (college students), and lived there for a year (and subsequently got married). I can say I learned a lot from that experience. You got to manage your time on your own terms. Ang sarap pala umuwi at any time you please...without having to worry if the parental units will get upset at you. The first few weeks for me were tough though - good thing Pauline was there to support me since day one...that definitely made it easier for me to adjust to my new life...supporting myself. Food was no problem, but the laundry was another story. On some days, I did it myself. Since walang washing machine, mano-mano yung gawa ko. Nakaupo and nagkuskos. If I'm lazy enough, I just took my stuff to the cleaners next door, although I was hesistant to do so. I had this fear in the back of my mind that they might steal some articles of my clothing.

And you also had to learn how to be patient with your fellow inhabitants. My friend's brother, a huge fan of local rap metal acts like Slapshock and Greyhoundz would sometimes crank up the stereo at the most innapropriate hours (well for me anyways, when I'm on C shift). But still, I was able to get along with everyone there, mababit naman kasi sila sa akin. In fact, I'm good friends with most of them to this day.

Of course, some folks in the family didn't take it well that I suddenly just left...but I felt at the time that I needed my own space. Nagalit pa nga yung iba sa akin. Sabi nga ni Ice, perceived as disobedience yung ganun. Well, somehow I was able to stand my ground, and they eventually accepted my decision. One year nga lang before they got over it. Oh, and I also had a problem with one other boarder in the place. You see, he was of the supernatural sort, if you get my drift. One night, I was sleeping alone on the 3rd floor. I was half asleep when I felt the weight of bed shift, just like when someone lies beside you. To my horror, there was no one there...and I heard someone crying. Right beside me, in my ear, of all things. It turns out that the previous guy living there hanged himself....IN THE VERY SAME DAMNED ROOM I WAS SLEEPING IN.

Ah, the perils of being an adult....

Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Our baby boy's finally here! After being on leave for a week, I'm not accustomed to staring at the computer monitor for long periods of time. Plus, lately sleep is now a just a luxury I can't afford. As I'm writing this, my eyeballs hurt and my head is throbbing. I passed by the clinic to get some paracetamol...hope it kicks in soon.

We're slated to move to a nearby building within this month. I just hope the parking there is more coherent, reasonable and democratic. I don't mind parking at the lower level, but there should be more slots for the employees. The arrangement of the slots is designed in such a way that they're lined up from front to back, not side by side. That means that if someone parks in front of you, you're gonna have a hell of a time getting out. The only easy slots to get in and out of are reserved for the managers. What's up with that? It doesn't bug me that some slots are reserved (which is normal), or the distance from the elevator, but the fact that only managers can get to park in and out with ease is highly annoying. That **SHOULD** be everybody's right, regardless of the job position. It's an endless source of hassle for a lotta of us here.

Fatherhood, what can I say? I'm taking this one day at a time, so I sincerely wish that I don't mess up our firstborn or be a source of neurosis for him. I'll just try to recall how my own parents raised me, that's a good start dontcha think?? We were just lucky that we had just enough to cover the bill...well thanks to generous family members anyway, plus my salary loan and 13th month pay. There's lot of good things I should be thankful for I guess, despite my whinings about everyday nuisances.

By the way, my posts starting 2004 will now be set to the correct local date/time: Manila. Previously it was set to US time.