Wednesday, September 28, 2005
I'm at it again. The computer screen is looking at me, not the other way around. Web browsing for a few hours can do that to you. After a few months of hiatus, the routines, feelings and little things of the past have to come to settle in my subconscious again. The red, wide-open eyes, the numbing boredom, and all the other things in between are coming back to me. Am I destined to just be a phone monkey forever?

I tell myself that I'm also teaching in the afternoon, that way I can prove that I'm not typecasted to answer phone calls all the time (tama ba grammar?). I shouldn't complain though; I've waited a long time to get back into this kind of work because the job lets me work at home. It won't be like before. Plus, the pay is even bigger than what I used to earn by two grand. I am lucky to be given this opportunity. Still, the old trappings of my last job are coming back to haunt me. But I am grateful to have been accepted, no doubt about it.

The thing is I'm working out of another location until I can get the DSL connection hooked up at home. When I start taking calls from home, things will get better. It's a tradeoff though. I'm seeing less of my son since I get up late. Lyn teaches preschool kids early in the morning, so I see to Dan's grooming for now. When I get up, I hurriedly give him his vitamins and give him a bath. Then it's off to our learning center. I stay there until late afternoon and head off to my boss' office to do call center work from her home. As soon as I get the DSL connected at the house, I don't have to drive all the way to Mandaluyong. Besides, I'm wearing out my welcome here IMHO because all I do here is eat (aside from taking calls). Don't get me wrong, she's very accommodating and all, pero nakakahiya na kasi.

The real reason for this post is because I was going over the Friendster account of my classmate back in high school. I browsed through some of the pictures of her at parties with the other people from my batch, and felt something stir within me. I thought to myself "god, after all this time, they're still hanging out".

I felt jealous. Yes, I was envious that they've kept close ties with one another, while here I am, alienated from most of the people in my past. I can't imagine them seeing me like this: worn out, haggard-looking and weary. I look at them, and they look great. If some of them might have made fun of me behind my back before, I can't imagine what they'd say now. God! I feel so pathetic right now. I can't imagine why I'm even writing this.

Well, I guess I should have only myself to blame for not being more outgoing back then. I was wrapped up in my own little world, letting many, many opportunities to shine pass me by in ignorant bliss. Hey could you really hold that against me? I was a teenager for crying out loud. I was supposed to be sullen, moody and withdrawn. Now I only have regret to chew on.

Forgive me for the continuous ranting, but my fingers are getting ahead of my brain.

But I should be grateful for what I have right? A wife and a kid to love, good health (well, that depends on who you ask), a job, a roof over my head, food on the table, and all that other stuff I know I shouldn't take for granted. So why do I feel this reverberating sensation of hollowness? It is it just lack of sleep (di ako nasanay di ba)?

But that's all I wanted to say, just so I can get it out of my system. By tomorrow, my current thoughts will be nothing but a dull memory I'll shrug off.

1 comments:

Moderator said...

you need a break mark...tara, inom muna sa baba.