Well, well, it's been a long time since I last posted here. The PC at home has fallen to the dark side. Hardware failure suffered it has, yesss...hmm.

Anyway, I was finally able to squeeze in some quality blog time while waiting for Lyn to get back. As of this writing, I'm in a seedy little net cafe in some far-flung corner in Recto. Lucky me, it seems that the staff here has enough taste to play some Incubus songs I haven't heard in ages. I forgot how depressing it is to walk along the streets of Manila. The last time I set foot in this area when I was still boarding at Jamir's place behind UST.

So, time for some updates I suppose. Running your own business does have its perks and downsides. At least it's easier to go home and you spend less on food since the house is pretty close to where our office is. Acting as the admin/Japanese teacher is quite exhausting I tell you. But I feel good knowing that my brain has come to life again after it eventually atrophied over a three year call center gig LOL. I'm still adjusting to life outside my comfort zone (sans DSL connection and sitting around all day), but it'll soon pass. Financial matters occupy my thoughts as well. It's different when you don't have a paycheck to look forward to every two weeks. Hopefully, we'll get more students and increase revenue soon. All in all, being directly responsible for your livelyhood builds character I guess.

Speaking of teaching, I have a lot of ground to recover since I've forgotten some of the basics of grammar. I wouldn't want to look like a fool in front of my students right? Hai, mo ichido benkyou shite! Fortunately, the kids I'm teaching haven't caught on and I'm still able to create the illusion that I know what I'm talking about - for now.

We also launched an exhibit last weekend to feature the work of our visual art students. It was a small and modest affair with good grub. It'll be open until the end of this week. Hey, one of my former co-workers dropped by the commercial center where our office is located at. He and his girlfriend just finished playing ragnarok (yechh) when I ran into them. What is it about that crappy game anyway? I love video games (I've been playing them since third grade), so when I say ragnarok sucks, you can consider that an educated opinion. It's annoying hearing the same repetitive sound effects when the shitty little sprite based characters start fighting their wussy little battles. Wha-bish! Wha-bish! Wha-bish! Yecchhhh. "Different strokes for different folks" is right on the mark in this case.

What else? Oh yeah, we caught Episode III a week and half ago. Okay, here's my very brief two cents: while the physical, tangible technical aspects of the moviemaking process may be a cause of endless debate for many fans, one has to appreciate the story, concept and spirit of the saga as a whole. Putting every scene, line of dialogue, or any subtle nuance under a microscope is not the point at all. I love the way story flowed from incredible potential, to falling from grace, and finally redemption - all in a period of 12 hours. Yes, the reality of shooting a movie is quite daunting and may get in the way of the simple, earnest desire to tell an otherwordly tale; but I think we have to look past some niggling points and realize the beauty of storytelling.

For instance, wouldn't you all agree that it's nice how (considering the whole framework of the Force) Anakin was indirectly responsible for bringing balance to the galaxy far, far away? His children were his and the Force's way to evening things out in the end. Also, It was satisfying to finally bear witness to the actual moment when Anakin was physically and morally transformed into one of the most famous villains in popular fiction. At last, the dark lord of Sith has arisen.

Well, that's it for now. Hope to write again soon.

Phone Monkey, Out

One hour to go until I go home. One hour left officially as a Customer Service Representative.

And so ends my three-and-a-half-year odyssey as a drone of the digital empire. Good times, bad times - you know the whole deal. I was remotely teary-eyed at the start of my shift, but now I'm just anxious. I want to think about it not as resigning from a high-paying (well higher than the average entry level kind) job, but as opening my doors for other opportunities.

Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? I gotta do something fast lest we go hungry. Well, I know I'll find something adequate to replace the financial vacuum I've just created.

I'm actually too lazy to sort out the people at work that I'd like to acknowledge. I might forget someone unintentionally and hurt his/her feelings, soooo here goes my universal shout-out to all of you at work:

My deepest thanks go out to all of you who've I've shared a moment with. It could have been a short, meaningful conversation during a smoke or during a lull in the phone queue. It could have been a good laugh we shared between ourselves, or a good IM chat we had amidst the humdrum routine of work. Whatever it was, thanks for sharing that shred of time of with me. That single moment in time we had will forever be etched into history. No one and nothing can ever take that away.

Thanks to all those that helped me out here in one way or another. Thanks for showing me the ropes when I was still a hapless newbie. Thanks for putting up with whatever foul-ups I might have committed. Thanks for being there when I needed you.

And my apologies to any toes I inadvertently stepped on while we were out there on the floor, earning our daily bread. I really am a nice guy if you got to know me better.

Somehow, somewhere I'm going to run into you guys again. I'm not the most touchy-feely person out there, but believe me when I say there must a purpose for having crossed paths with you all.

Besides, it's not like I'm going to vaporize into thin air, right? See you all on the other side :)

Phone Monkey, out.

Life, One Bullet Point At a Time

My day so far:

• Woke up at 8AM
• Had breakfast with Lyn and Dan (fed him nilaga with rice, he didn't like the breaded fish with tartar sauce, or maybe he just doesn't like the sauce)
• Briefly checked email and other sites from the house (dial up is behaving ok now, must be the PLDT vibe prepaid card and the system restore I did last night to remove the spyware brought about by a downloaded patch for ragnarok)
  
• Gave Dan a bath, put him to sleep
• Took a nap while Dan was sleeping
  
• Left Dan with the neighbors (Lyn's relatives)
• Left the house in a frenzied rush (and late at that)
• Arrived at work five minutes late
• Rescheduled a long delayed mother's day dinner with my mom for Wednesday
  
• Chatted with my friend (in the US) online and helped him track down his mom's friend that lives here (made a few calls to ask around)
  
• Had a late lunch (Abrea is the shiznitz)
• Took some calls
• Did some emails
• Waiting for my shift end

How was your day?

-

I close my eyes and everything goes black. I turn up the live version of "Pull Me Under" by Dream Theater to the unbearable point of loudness in an attempt to reproduce the rush that the audience got when they played this. In my opinion, a band's mettle is truly tested when they’re playing in front of a live crowd. It’s only then that you’ll see if they can actually pull off their songs or if they’re merely products of heavy studio tweaking. Well, I have to hand it to them – they are good.

The crunch of the guitar. The pounding of the drums. The ear-splitting, encompassing noise so thick you can take a bite out of it. The song ends and the crowd cheers.

My eyes open, and it’s back to reality. I ponder about my post call-center life. As of now, it’s just freelance writing prospects for me, and not many to boot. I intend to supplement the income from our tutorial business with my non-existent writing gigs. I hope that turns out well.

Less than a month to go. Tick-tock.

Of Job Prospects and Wasted Cash

So I sent sanitized versions (sans profanity) of some of my blog posts to a prospective employer that's looking for freelance writers. Hope I have what they're looking for. It took him a week to reply to my first email so it'll probably take just as long get word from him. Still looking elsewhere though...

I also applied for the third time to get my NBI clearance. I had done this before at the city hall, but I had forgotten to go back and claim it. It was consequently forfeited twice and wasted a good amount of money for the application fee. This time, they came over to the building we work in, so it was a painless process. No lines, no sweltering heat. It'll take a week for them to remit the actual form to me.

Just got home to gas up the car. Upon entering our village, an oncoming tricycle cut my lane to park at the nearby terminal on my side. I managed to slow down and honked my horn out of anger. The wife told me the guy’s name was Pablo, apparently another member of this village’s hardcore community. She advised me to take the car tomorrow, for he might wait for me in some dark corner. Fuck, he was the one that cut me off, now I have to pay for the grave outrage of honking my horn at his dumb ass? Oooh, hardcore indeed.

At the start of our nanny’s tenure, I had made it clear that she would take her rest day when it was mine as well. Furthermore, I had told her that my rest days don’t necessarily fall on the weekends every week. Well, now she’s requesting that she needs to take her off on Saturday. The only way for her to do that is if I’m on the night shift, which I think will be all that’s left for me anyway. To be fair, she’s pro-active when it comes to chores and has other good traits. But what I don’t like is that she neglects Dan’s back when he’s perspiring. And since she’s a bit old, I sometimes worry if she’s strong enough to carry my kid – she looks a bit on the frail side.

Just venting here.

Off To a Rough Start

Coming from a two-day rest period, today didn't quite start out as well I wanted to. I woke up late, and since it was way too early (3:45 am) there wasn't any food yet. The water I was preparing for my bath was dirty. The water in our area is drawn from a deep well so when they clean the huge water tank for our area, it usually yields some residue. It was a good thing that we had some clean water stored in a separate container set aside for shortages, etc.

Since there were no tricycles around at the time, I had to walk to the gate of our village. I'm pretty much used to this when my shift is this early but today was different. It was a nice and rushed walk and I was inhaling the cold morning air when I heard barking from behind me. Now I'm used to passing by stray and owned dogs; they don't really do anything but bark at me. This time though I knew something was up because I recognized the particular dog as I turned around. It was the mean one that was usually chained up by his drunkard of a master.

To my suprise, this son of a bitch was free to roam the streets and was coming up behind me fast. I thought it was useless trying to run so I stopped in my tracks and faced him. I menacingly swung my backpack his direction to scare him off. It worked - he barked and backed off. It looked like he was gonna try again so I did the same thing. I thought to myself it wasn't so bad since nobody saw me as it was too early for anyone to be around. Of course, someone had to be walking nearby at that hour thereby bearing witness to my skirmish.

Even if the ride to work was fast, I still arrived late from all the delays I had. And I left my gel at home so my short hair looks like a bit of a train wreck from the strong draft from the jeepney trip. GREAT. Nothing a little trip to washroom can't fix I guess.

Oh, I'm having second thoughts about sending the email to that person. Going to back to my last entry, the other thing I learned is to be selective with the person you want to have an honest talk with. In some cases, it'll just blow up in your face. Which is why I'm hesitant now; I don't think he really gives a shit about me, let alone what I have to say.

Choking On That Jagged Little Pill

It's usually when I'm lying in bed at night that I have a few epiphanies of sorts. Right after putting my kid to sleep last night and observing him in that peaceful state, thoughts came flooding in once again. In the dark, I was pondering on a recent scuffle I had with someone. We had exchanged a series of nasty words via IM, and one thing led to another. Shortly after, I had done something out of anger. Realizing my lapse in judgment, I worked up the nerve to apologize to the said person. Initially, I was thinking about just letting things blow over and act like nothing happened. But then, my conscience and embarrassment was gnawing away at me so much that I couldn't bear NOT to patch things up.

So I went over and made the first move and explained my side, the reasons behind my anger, and of course apologized. Hostility gave way to understanding on both sides, and mutual admissions of guilt were exchanged. All in all, it went well. We were cool after that. But what was keeping awake was the fact that I was so determined to fix things with that person. Looking back, I made the first move because I couldn’t bear to see another breakdown of human relations occur in my life. These recent years, I’ve become familiar with the bitter aftertaste when you end up creating a chasm of misunderstanding with a friend or family member. Prior to those recent years (college onwards), I never knew what it was like not be on speaking terms with someone you were previously close with (with the exception of a couple of the neighbors I grew up with).

Sure, I had spats with my playmates as a kid, but those were trivial and petty; everybody goes through those while growing up. But when I hit college, I realized what a nauseous sensation it was to be estranged from someone you shared good times with before. I couldn’t stomach the feeling of someone hating you for whatever reason. The most probable reason why I’m still bummed out about the rift between my college blockmates is that I put my pride on the line. In the name of reconciliation, I hung my self-esteem out to dry so they could wring it out for what it was worth. But what did I get out of it? Nothing, except a hefty dose of conceited, backstabbing goodness. I put myself out there and they didn’t even have the decency of talking about what happened (well at least not to my face). If their beef with me was so bad, why didn’t they have the balls to say it in front of me?

To this day, some deep, buried part of me is still pissed off. Why? I had put myself out there and tried to be as honest and frank as possible, even if it was difficult. I had admitted my shortcomings and earnestly tried to be a civilized human being. Still, that wasn’t enough for them. For all the courage I mustered up to talk about sensitive issues, I just got burned in the end. Adding insult to injury, they acted like we were good friends again and like nothing happened when I met up with them several years after.

Right at that moment last night, it just hit me. After all these years of reflection, it’s apparent that there’s really nothing wrong with me. I had messed up, but not that bad. If they couldn’t find it in themselves to at least acknowledge my initiative then that’s their problem. With those thoughts, I can breathe better now. I’ve probably known it all along, but now I can freely say that I don’t need their goddamn approval. Not anymore, fuckhead spineless little shits.

So going back to my recent fracas, it just occurred to me that I wasn’t going let that happen - NOT AGAIN if I could help it. I was extremely relieved to know that my apology was accepted and that we could be on good (NOT just speaking) terms again. This time, I was actually applauded for what I did. I mentioned to the person that I know when I’m wrong, and that I couldn’t bear to see another relationship in my life go sour. I was told to my face, “it takes a man to do that”. Whew, that felt good. I guess I still have a scrap of decency left in me after all.

There is one other person I’ve been meaning to send an email to. After all that talk about being brave, somehow I can’t bear to talk to that someone face to face for now. Let’s see how that one goes.

Fight Club

This is too hardcore for my movie-watching, broken prose-writing, pseudo musical critic self. I had just finished watching Red Dragon (which was already gruesome for me) when my wife informed me that her younger brother had gotten himself in a tussle last night. He was peeing somewhere by the sidewalk in one the streets of our village when a bunch of guys decided to get their kicks by picking on him. Now I've criticized him for being such a lazy bum at times, but he's a nice guy really. And that comment has nothing to do with the fact that he actually beat his would-be assailant, much to their surprise. From what I heard, he managed to get the guy in a headlock and proceeded to pound the asshole's face with his fist. Talk about a makeover.

Apparently, the said hooligans are members of a well-known fraternity. It still makes my innards turn at the local concept of such organizations. In any case, my wife thinks they're just posing as members of the said group. She'll find out herself as soon as she gets the name of the guys that attacked her brother. The wifey used to hang out with a rough crowd back in high school and college so she knows a lot of people from the fraternity in question. She'll make a couple of phone calls I guess.

"Make a couple of phone calls" - is that mafia-like or what?

Oooooh, hardcore indeed.

I have to make this count

Whoopee. This is my first post from home. Our dial up connection is agonzingly slow, so I have to make the most of the moment. They fixed the phone line last night so they could hook up a new line for the PC. It was ok last night, but after trying to download YM it crapped out all of a sudden. The pages were loading slow and everything was basically screwed up from then on. arrrrgggh.

Ahh, where to begin? Well, I extended my resignation notice until the middle of May for various reasons - namely because my other job prospects were not so certain after all. I intend to work part-time so I can divert some time to our business as well. Still in mid-air as I mentioned before - the transition is still nail-biting. Sheesh.

A new nanny came in today. She seems nice enough and has all the qualities we're looking for: clean, polite, efficient, proactive, and friendly with kids (she already has four grandchildren). I'm not raising my hopes if she turns out to be unfit for the job. We’ve been in between countless ones so far for me to care at this point. It would be nice though if she actually stuck around for at least a year or so. The longest one we had stayed for about six months.

I feel like I’m on the brink of doing something great with my life, but I don’t know how or when it’s gonna happen. Somehow, somewhere it’s going to follow through. Is that weird?

I’m going to post next about a couple of bizarre dreams I had recently. I think I’ve done something close to what they call lucid dreaming.

Cheers.

Goodbye Comfort Zone

Well, I finally bit the bullet and passed my resignation notice. It feels like swinging in the jungle, letting go of one vine to grab the next one - and hoping it isn't greased. Right now, I'm squarely in mid-air, anticipating my days away. I guess I have to compose an obligatory goodbye email to my beloved co-workers...but that's for another day.

Tough Ain't Enough

It’s just been minutes since the end credits stopped rolling, and it was a good thing that I didn’t see any of the trailers for Million Dollar Baby, or read any PR about it. There’s a sense of purity in watching a movie with little knowledge of who’s who, or what the gimmick is. By saying “gimmick” though, is a mockery in this case. Much like the first Matrix film, this had the sleeper effect (something that comes out of nowhere to surprise you) on me because I saw the film without any expectations whatsoever. However, knowing beforehand that this is what won Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman and Hillary Swank their respective Oscars this year may skew my views just a little bit.

To the reader, there will be spoilers here so be warned. The film opens with Frankie Dunn (Eastwood) patching up his battle-weary fighter. Here we see that he’s an old man, jaded with events that have passed. He lends a general air of disenchantment and nurses a broken sense of security. Deathly afraid that his fighter will get in over his head, he puts off setting up any major title fights for his boy. Eventually, his warrior leaves him for another manager, and for greener pastures. Enter Maggie Fitzgerald (Swank), a hopeless case practically begging Frankie to take her under his wing. Cynical as he is about her (“I don’t train girls”, “tough ain’t enough”), he reluctantly begins the agonizing process of starting from the ground up with this helpless, clumsy excuse of a newbie. We’ve all seen this same scenario played in other movies, but this time it strikes a very painful chord.

Here we see the excellent performances by Eastwood, Swank, and Freeman, who plays a vital role in this subtle drama. A burned out has-been in the world of boxing, he still has a glimmer of optimism for the young hopefuls that come through the doors of their gym. For me, Freeman’s character represents part of the painful past that has molded Frankie Dunn into who he is. Freeman plays Scrap, a longtime friend of Frankie, and they were in fact, partners at one time as a boxer and manager respectively. Frankie eternally regrets the fact that he pushed Scrap too hard in his 109th fight, which cost him his eye in that fateful match. Their funny banter and humorous conversations barely mask the complex relationship these old friends share. In spite of it all, they still share a bond, which I’d like to think, other men of their age would be envious of.

Going back to Frankie and Maggie’s uphill struggle, the movie is actually more than just that journey. We see the circumstances that have brought these two hurtful souls together. I appreciated the beauty of sharing a connection that they’ve long lost in the estranged families they’ve come from. Basically, they found the parent and the child in each other that they didn’t find in their own blood relatives. Frankie found it in himself to take a big risk - something that he hasn’t done in a long, long time. Maggie was more than willing to go headfirst into the fray. Meanwhile, Frankie was able to let go of his fear and inhibition after being inspired by Maggie’s iron will. Halfway through the film, it occurred to me that they would do away with the standard clichés. By the time Maggie stepped into the ring for her final match, I sensed that the story would go for the ironic approach. I was right. Brief triumph was immediately followed by crippling defeat. It’s when they try to pick up the pieces that make the characters what they are – where they ultimately shine as decent human beings, trying to make the best of what life gives them.

Personally, I found final scenes heart-wrenching. At Maggie’s request, Frankie had taken it upon himself to end her suffering by cutting off her life support. I found this to be a very poignant decision because in one way or another, I could see myself in that situation. My aunt recently passed away on account of illness. She had requested in her last will and testament that should she fall into such a state, any artificial means to prolong her life should be halted. As such, I know the firsthand pain of someone dying right then and there.

I believe that the most effective movies are the ones where you can identify with the characters of the story – or at least find pieces of yourself in them. All of us have relatives we’ve been alienated from, all of us have missed an opportunity that we regret to this day, and all of us have lost loved ones to death. What makes Clint Eastwood’s efforts so great is that none of the scenes were over the top or overplayed. At the hands of a lesser director, the intended message might have not come across that clear, or that painful.

The seemingly dry wit and deadpan approach only magnifies the reality of the story. It makes the personal battles waged by the main characters all the more convincing. Finding a tasteful amount of restraint, the expression “less is more” sure carries a lot of weight. The themes found in Million Dollar Baby (sheer determination, the bond that goes beyond blood, seizing the moment) have been played in countless other films, but it’s been a while since I’ve seen them so gracefully depicted.

I wish that I was one of those special, magical people that don't need to cough up sixty bucks to park in the very same building I work in. Sixty a day may not be a big deal to others, but it is to me. Hundred parking slots, my ass. The ones allotted for the mere mortals aren't even at fifty, counting the ones at the basement level. Aside from the gas I'm already consuming to drive to work, wasting more money just to park is annoying. Pure B.S. IMHO.

I guess I just have to commute then.

I'm running a fever today. The biogesic is keeping it at bay, but it's probably gonna kick in again when I get home. Will I make it until Friday? Only my body knows. Dan and I took a 3 hour nap last night at 6:30 pm. When I woke up, I felt a naseous sensation in my stomach. It felt like a bout of hyperacidity making a comeback. So I took an antacid and felt better after, but not before squirming in bed for an hour or so. When I woke up this morning, I felt a bit hot and my bones felt heavy. So I dragged myself out of bed to take a semi-warm bath and took some paracetamol before leaving for work. So here I am at the office trying not to let hyperacidity and fever get the best of me.

We're expecting a new nanny later this morning; hope she turns out ok. We interviewed her yesterday and so far she looks ok. She's a mother of two kids, both of which are in their early teens if I recall correctly. Of course you never know how they turn out until they've been around for some time. Here's hoping that we found a good one...I can't exist on a few hours of sleep on a daily basis.

It's five minutes until my short break, and one call is on queue. Time to earn my pay right? I'll be updating this later.

Cheers.

The Phone Monkey Knows No Fear

There's those few seconds of unsettling silence between me and the customer after I relay the bad news. It could be that they can't install on both a Mac or a PC at the same time, or maybe they have to pay for technical support, or it could be that their version is only supported online. Whatever it is, there's that small amount of time, which technically is just a drop in the bucket of the time-space continium, but seems to last much, much longer than it actually is.

"I'm sorry, but the license only allows you to install on one platform, even if we allow two machines per copy..."

"Unfortunately, the support for your version is only found online"

"Aside from our online forums, you can choose to log a paid incident for phone support"

Then the silence ensues. As I've said, it ranges from 3-5 seconds, which is really not a long time at all. But it feels like forever considering the white-knuckled anticipation of what the caller will say next. In fact, I feel like one of those war correspondents on the battelfield waiting for the maelstrom that will follow after hearing the sound of the mortar firing. The next few seconds could mean greivious harm, or a narrow brush with death.

....
....
....

"You have got to be kidding me."

"No way, this is bullshit."

"Oh, okay."

Predictably, the last response is the one I always hope for. I secretly exhale a sigh of relief when they actually accept what I have to tell them. Of course there will be times when the customer will give you a piece of his/her mind in a not-so-eloquent fashion. Ah, such is the life of a phone monkey. Not that I'm really complaining now, my last call center gig was ten times worse, given that 90% of calls you get involve a seething, computer illiterate homeowner. Add that to the lousy management, which made me quit 3 months into the job. So you see, it's just a little something I observed from my current work.

*****************************************

On to other things, my sister nearly lost her life recently due to food posioning. Not spoiled food mind you, but chemical posioning. They were making homemade corned beef and the excessive amount of sodium nitrate was the culprit. The recipe called for about half a teaspoon of the stuff to go with a pound of the beef. Apparently, it was the maid that erroneously added something like FOUR fucking tablespoons of the additive. Propotionally that would make it an overdose amounting to 400%. That caused my sister to collapse in front of her kids after ingesting the tainted meat. Had they gone to Makati Medical Center, she wouldn't have made it since she was in Alabang at the time. It was a good thing they sought treatment at a nearby hospital instead. Otherwise, I'd be on funeral leave right now. Her face was stiff and her hands slowly turned black for christ's sake.

So kids, remember to check the amount of death sodium nitrate that you put into your homemade corned beef, because that may be the last thing you'll eat in this god-forsaken earth.

People=Shit (Slipknot)

Here we go again, motherfucker

Come on down, and see the idiot right here

Too fucked to beg and not afraid to care

What's the matter with calamity anyway?

Right? Get the fuck outta my face

Understand that I can't feel anything

It isn't like I wanna sift through the decay

I feel like a would, like I got a fuckin' Gun against my head,

you live when I'm dead

One more time, mother fucker

Everybody hates me now, so fuck it

Blood's on my face and my hands, and I

Don't know why, I'm not afraid to cry

But that's none of your business

Whose life is it? Get it? See it? Feel it? Eat it?

Spin it around so i can spit in its face

I wanna leave without a trace

Cuz I don't wanna die in this place

People = Shit

People = Shit (Whatcha gonna do?)

People = Shit (Cuz I am not afraid of you)

People = Shit (I'm everything you'll never be)

People = Shit

It never stops - you can't be everything to everyone

Contagion - I'm sittin' at the side of Satan

What do you want from me?

They never told me the failure I was meant to be

Overdo it - don't tell me you blew it

Stop your bitchin' and fight your way through it

I'M - NOT - LIKE - YOU - I - JUST - FUCK - UP

C'mon mother fucker, everybody has to die

People = Shit People = Shit (Whatcha gonna do?)

People = Shit (Cuz I am not afraid of you)

People = Shit (I'm everything you'll never be)

People = Shit

Bummed Out

Sadly my hopes for being a daywalker crashed and burned in a blaze of glory for the fourth time. Like a WWII fighter plane shot down by an ICBM. Just came up from the 31st floor to have a smoke. Shit, shit, shit. My breath tastes of nicotine and iced tea, and my morale is sinking like a camel in quicksand. The more I try to shake myself out of it, the deeper I get. What else to do but stay still and hope for someone to pull me out? Yes indeed, yes in-fucking-deed.

A co-worker came up to me to propose a networking scheme he has going on. Incidentally, I tried to pitch a same gimmick to him a few months back because my mom gently forced me to join her new money-making venture. Currently, that hasn't panned out for me too much. Going back to said co-worker's proposal, it seems legal enough: it's a well-established business entity in the book/magazine/comic trade that's planning to try its hand at this crazy game called networking. It's certainly cheaper to sign up for this one, as opposed to the afformentioned scheme I got myself into some time ago. Same deal: you get a referral fee for those that sign up under your own name, or known as a downline to those familiar with the game. Same promises of untold riches too: about 200 grand a month if you're really, really good at it. "Good" being the sales talking kind of guy, which I'm not. That's probably why I'm not going to be up to it. That's just not me. And besides, I need to focus my attention on our tutorial business.

There's a lot of money out there; the trick is how to get your share of it. Sigh, they're just sheets pf paper that if you had piles of, would create an illusion of happiness. But I would like to have just enough of it to live a bit comfortably. Is that all there is to life? Join the rat race to secure a financial oasis in this poverty-sticken desert of unemployment and rising rates of inflation? That's how a man's worth is measured by, right? The so-called diskarte. The true yardstick of one's manhood.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Be a man, Marko. Suck it up. Stop whining. Get down and give me infinity. Hop to it, soldier.

Okay, I'll stop now.

I fought the law

Last Friday I nearly got caught by the MMDA upon executing a right turn into Ortigas Ave coming from J. Vargas. I came from work the night before and had forgotten that the car I was using was not allowed the following morning (color coding). The traffic enforcer was standing by the corner, and had eyes like a hawk. I tried tailgating the car in front of me to obscure the incriminating license plate I bore (which ends in the number "9"). No good. Shortly after I made a right, he gestured with his hand to pull over. He probably knew I was pretending not to see him so he called to his companions (whom I didn't notice until I came out of the turn). To my horror, his buddies had a motorcycle. I heard them honking their motorcycle horn, or was it a siren ("wang-wang")?

In any case, I just drove along at a moderate pace to keep the charade going. I dared not speed up, because that would give away that I was guilty. Better to feign ignorance, right? I thought to myself, "what the hell am I doing?". I figured I wasn't in the mood to argue with the MMDA dude, or fork over some bribe cash to squirm my way out of the situation...it was already an exhausting night for me as it was.

I was furiously checking my rearview mirror to see if they were going to chase me. I was approaching the C5/ Ortigas intersection and was panicking because the traffic light didn't look like it was going to turn green any time soon. That meant I had to stop, which will risk my capture if they had gone after me. I suddenly remembered The World's Scariest Car Chases. Well, it never came to that, but my little brush with the fuzz was a bit of a rush. So, I opted to make a left into Libis instead to keep my momentum going. I knew a route going home from there (albeit longer), so all was well.

I guess they figured it wasn't worth it to go after me. I'd like to think that the befuddled traffic enforcer muttered "shit!! there goes my breakfast".

Yes indeed, I am a bad, baaaaad, man.

Disgruntled Phone Monkey

11:19 pm:

A lot of things are getting me down. Work-wise, I feel a dark cloud looming over me, bearing its weight on my shoulders...even though it's high above. Its presence is more than enough to keep my mind a stirred frenzy of restlessness. I can't keep focused if my body lacks the rest it needs. I need a vacation. Have you seen that Lucky Me commercial where the guy was so exhausted from work that he was oblivious to the cars on the street? Well that's me, but it will take more than a cup of noodles to fix me up.

This shall come to pass, like any other phases or mood swings. Off to work for now; it's the best way to drown the thoughts gnawing away at peace of mind.

12:08 am:

Just finished a call. It just occured to me that I'm growing increasingly unhappy because I feel entrapped in my schedule. I feel like I don't have a life anymore; it's just a perception though. I feel trapped by my severe lack of sleep. I need a new schedule. Or a new job. Or hire a nanny so I can sleep. Either way, something's gotta give. It can be my mind, my body, or my schedule.

Something. Anything.

2:59 am:

Got out of a 30 minute break half an hour ago. Tried to steal a bit of sleep. Now I feel like a zombie struggling to resurrect myself back to life. I am the undead. The rec room feels like home so it's really hard for me not to sleep so soundly. I always have strange dreams when I sleep there.

I'm sliding downhill into a murky pool of depression when I think about my son. It sucks that I'm not there at night.

5:23 am:

Night of the living dead part two. Waking up from my lunch break is a major fucking drag. Someone give me a medal: with my brain at half capacity, I still had it in me to establish rapport with the customer. Hell, I even made her laugh:

Me: So, did u change Windows versions when you re-did your PC?

Her: Uh, I went from XP to 2K because it was grindingly slow from all those updates you know?

Me: Yeah...ok, just give me a few moments to generate your activation code....I'm on XP.

Her: Ok, hahaha.

Way Past Strike Three

Currently blasting A Crow Left of The Murder on my co-worker's overly borrowed headphones. I need it to drown out my thoughts on my fate as an employee of this company. I'm schduled for a meeting with my team lead (TL) to discuss my evaluation/performance as of late.

This morning, I overslept at work for the fourth time this month. What a way to start 2005. I usually catch a wink during my lunch break at the office rec room. Problem is, I don't hear the celphone alarm when it goes off...hence the chronic tardiness. Just one instance of overbreak (10-15 minutes) reflects badly on our performance. Imagine the consequences of my offenses so far:

Strike 1: 20 minutes overbreak
Strike 2: 30 minutes overbreak
Strike 3: 1 1/2 hours overbreak
Strike 4: same as #3

I'm not that lazy, mind you. There are probably gonna be some preachy types lurking around here so I welcome it. But it's just that I only get 2-3 hours of sleep everyday (during the day literally, night shift sucks). Blame it on the responsibilties of married life and parenthood I suppose. I swear, I didn't mean it. This job is important to me, believe me. I should be telling that to my boss huh?

I'm just so goddamned tired. I don't know if I can find any other work that pays this much, which is higher than most entry level positions.

I sit here in anticipation, pondering on what other opportunities lie ahead of me should I be voted off the island. And we all know anticipation is worse than the proverbial shit-hits-the-fan. Add to the fact that I have an upcoming 2-day suspension for accumulated tardiness last year. I'll be lucky if they extend my suspension...I'd like to think of it as "unpaid leave".