I'm in a emotionally fragile state right now - maybe it's because I'm on the weekend night shift right now, or maybe because I miss my son. I hope he's ok at this very moment. It's my fervent wish that I don't screw him up someday. I want him to grow up to be as normal, well-adjusted and happy as humanly possible.

I probably got all these thoughts just now because I stumbled upon a blog made by a 2 month old baby....which is what puzzled me at first. It occured to me that his mommy made probably made it for him, and writing it from her son's point of view. Which is sooo touching and funny of course...I can totally relate as a dad. Check it out by clicking here. Check out the poem too. It's heartwarming, comic gold!

It's hot today. Summer's presence can best be felt at this moment. The air's thick and moist. Nothing evaporates, it just stays in a liquid state - or something in between.

This murderous heat is cooking everyone's brain and thereby melting away their sense of humor, patience, and overall well-being. Including mine. This does not bode well for my son either. This sweltering hell is keeping him up at night.

Something tells me this goinq to be a loooong summer.

nothing to report - except the biting cold here at the office. This jacket of mine isn't really built for very frigid conditions i think....it's barely keeping me warm.

So i took the liberty of borrowing someone else's jacket and am now wearing it on top of my own.

This the coolest song I've heard in a while - - 311's version of The Cure's Love Song:(click this!)

Whenever I'm alone with you
you make me feel like I am home again
whenever I'm alone with you
you make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
you make me feel like I am young again
whenever I'm alone with you
you make me feel like I am fun again

However far away
I will always love you
however long I stay
I will always love you
whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
you make me feel like I am free again
whenever I'm alone with you
you make me feel like I am clean again

However far away
I will always love you
however long I stay
I will always love you
whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

My ears hurt

If it was taking me a while to sink my teeth into the 'Crow' album, the Incubus show last night jumpstarted that process. Needless to say, it was an awesome experience. The guys opened the show with 'Megalomaniac'. I previously didn't regard it as one of their heavier tracks, but hearing it live is really something else...ear-blistering would be the word.

My biggest apprehension was that they would stick to the new material. But they were kind enough to play a mix of the old and new stuff across 'Crow', 'Make Yourself' and 'S.C.I.E.N.C.E.'. Call me a snotty, geeky fanboy, but it seems that I was the only one (at least in the section where I was in) singing along to the older songs - and headbanging to the exact moment when the heavy licks kicked in...alone on a fairly frequent basis, which made me look like a moron. Oh well, coolness be damned. I came to watch some good rock. Here's a not-so-accurate list of Incubus' set. I can't recall the order, so I'll just sort them out by album (with the most recent 'era' first):

-Megalomaniac
-A Crow Left of The Murder
-Pistola
-Priceless
-Here In My Room
-Talk Shows on Mute
-Wish You Were Here
-Circles
-Just a Phase
-Warning
-Clean
-Consequence
-Idiot Box
-Drive
-**Vitamin (with an extended drum solo, click this)**
-A Certain Shade of Green
-Magic Medicine

to be continued:
-Encore
-Brandon on guitar
-deeper respect
-Ben on bass
-regrets

Just overhauled the layout - - gonna make a few more tweaks, and it should be good to go :-)

Listening to the Make Yourself CD right now - - as if I haven't spun this one a hundred times in college. What I should be listening to is the Crow album since I'm not too familiar with the songs on that yet, and chances are Incubus is mostly gonna play the new stuff. One, Ben Kenney probably can't play the old shit yet, and two, the tour is named after the new album for crying out loud.

Ah...all these thoughts I had brewing inside my brain for the past week have ebbed away. Too lazy to write them down and post it here.

Even if the copy of The Last Samurai that I saw was pirated, it was still apparent that it was a good movie. Again, it's all about East-meets-West. There's something about that theme that's so poignant and intriguing. Even if two people live separately and might as well live in different planets, they can still find some common ground. I wish i could write something significant and meaningful that would remotely resemble a review, it seems that my brain cells are spent at the moment.

On another note, I'm gonna look for a new blog skin - - this layout is already sickening to my eyes.

Because of you, my life has changed, thank you for the love and joy you bring

Because of you, I feel no shame, I'll tell the world it's because of you

It's times like these that I feel jaded and miserable about everything. I am such a volatile creature of chemicals, my disposition changes with every event. It's said that 90% of your life is how you react to what happens to you. Well, I choose to be negative at the moment. I am a sour little cloud of bad vibes brewing with darkness and discontent. I am simmering with everything bad. Yeah, it's just one of those days. I could use some Slipknot right about now...

Barely halfway through the graveyard shift and I'm worn out already. I just came from the dayshift last week, so I'm readjusting my body clock at the moment. My wife just texted me, Dan's wailing his head off....he having one of those sumpongs.

I need a smoke, and a full night of 8 hours sleep (yeah right, dream on). 7am seems so far away - and then I have to worry about keeping my eyes open on the drive home. I get so sleepy behind the wheel after work.

Finally, I'm able to hook up my Palm Pilot on my PC...it took me a while to install the software, it was acting up before. This means that I can write random thoughts on the go - and I don't have to remember everything when I get the chance to go online. So here are some overdue posts I made at the listed dates:

02/09/04:
Welcome to the graveyard jungle, baby. After being on the dayshift sked for a long time, it's time once again to immerse myself in the element that is the essence of a call center. I'm a few hours away from playing night ghoul once again - and should be sleeping. For some unknown reason, I'm actually excited to go to work at such a strange hour...maybe it's the lack of traffic and stress caused by parking at the insane fascist hell known as the office basement. Oh well, I may soon find myself eating my words about my excitement.

We took our baby boy to the doctor earlier today. I was happy to report that for the past two days, Dan's not as fussy as he was at night, which means more sleep for us. Doc suspects that Dan might be lactose intolerant like Pauline, which might be causing him to wake up. We're not 100% sure about that yet, so we're holding off on switching his formula...he seems ok with Nan1 anyway. He did have a good round of farting this morning...maybe it was just cold. He also had his hepatitis shot, which is a pain in the butt for Dan.

2/19/04:
Bato-bato sa langit, ang tamaan wag maqalit. This quote seems to ok when I first heard it, but it's taken on a new meaning for me. I find it to be such a smartass expression these past few days, after givinq it some thought. However, it only appears as such in certain contexts. One instance of which is when they trot out that line after qiving out a celebrity gossip blind item, usually on morning time shows. It's like they don't have the balls to name the actual person they're spreading rumors about - and then they deliver that quote in such a Goddamn smug way that pisses me off. And they'll just hide it as a blind item and of course, use the aforementioned quote as a disclaimer so no one can step up to complain about the trash that they're spreading. If someone tries to clear up the rumors, the'yll end up as prey taking the bait...and be branded as guilty. So it means that they can just say shit about other people but don't have proof. Another variant of the line is: "ang mag re-act, guilty!"

Shut up, you qossip whores. Don't talk crap if you can't back it up.

Ouch, that hurts.

Yes, I have to agree that I was a bit let down by the new album, but all it takes is a few listening sessions methinks, for it to grow on me. Just like Make Yourself and Morning View. Maybe since I'm a fan, others won't bother giving A Crow Left of The Murder a second, third, or fourth glance (or listen). Yes, I am biased, but only with the best intentions (if that makes sense).

My initial impressions on the new stuff: raw, rich, and warm - all at the same time. The guitars aren't as heavy as before, and I think Ben Kenney is still finding his flow as a bass player in this one. He should have stuck to his Roots-like hip-hop funk vibe, since that is such an ingrained part of Incubus' sound anyway. Maybe he's sick of that stuff and so badly wants to rock, as was quoted in some magazines. And Kimore's turntables aren't as prevalent anymore, or maybe I just missed out on the subtle effects he's layering on the songs.

As I said, I still need to give the Album a few more sessions to give out a verdict. The last time I was listening to it, I was carrying my baby boy at the same time, rocking him to sleep.

Been awhile since I updated this thing. Between taking sooo many calls at work and other responsibilities, I can't muster enough brain power to put anything meaningful here, save for more whinings and similar content. Okay, so staying up late at night is getting to me, although my wife is doing much more of the graveyard baby duty than I am. I find myself running out of steam - to quote Bilbo Baggins, I basically feel "stretched thin"...and worn out. I have to keep reminding myself that our precious bundle of joy's cries at night are not a hindrance to my sleep, but a plea for our love and affection. We recently hired a yaya about three weeks ago, but we got rid of her because of the following reasons:

-She can't speak a f****ing word of Tagalog, well almost. She's from Davao, and the person that referred her is probably at fault here since she didn't tell us about this until the last damn minute. But still woman, you knew you were gonna work in Manila, you could have just backed out ya know???!?

-She came from a well-off family and is forced to be a yaya/maid due to financial problems. I have no qualms about that and am happy offer her work that's fair and humane. But she's a slacker and makes herself at home too much, namely LYING DOWN ON THE COUCH AS IF SHE'S THE ONE PAYING US.

- She has dental issues- she has a lot missing teeth, and according to the doctor who examined her, has some sort of gum problem. Again, I have no problem with that, but I can't bear the thought of her carrying our baby in that state of oral health....would you?!?

Since mommy and daddy are both tired, this leads to more arguments and misunderstandings. Honestly, I find myself irritable and out of patience more often that not because of this. But I have to tell myself that I chose this life, so I should damn well suck it in and take it like a man. I'm losing weight too, which is a good thing I guess. Money matters are also chipping away at my peace of mind too, just like Woody Woodpecker. I owe my mother-in-law, my own mom, and my dad a considerable amount of moolah at the moment. Which means I might not be able to afford Incubus concert tickets - the horror (I mean this!).

Oh yeah, they're coming here this March. After all this time, one of my favorite bands (aside from RATM, Metallica, Black Sabbath, Jamiroquai, etc.) is finally coming here. They're probably at the top of my list....finally, finally. I've been waiting for them to play here since I heard 'Anti-Gravity' back in college. God, I can't believe they chose to play now at a time when money is tight....like a vise grip. Yesterday, I was picturing them playing on stage, with me in the crowd, cheering them on. Maybe I should use Pay Pal on this Blog if that's possible (cough, cough).

Whew, that felt really good. I can breathe a little easier now after posting to this online stress ball known as my Blog. Now, back to work. I still have to finish an overdue email to HR to express my deep discontent about their inability to address my payroll issues in a timely manner. I guess it's easy for them to just let the issue rot since they're not the ones getting screwed over. I should sic the Karma doggie on y'all, bee-yatch.

Anger is a gift

It's the 30th, and this is the second time in a row that they got my pay wrong. I worked for that money. I'm thiking of a thousand horrible things that are just waiting to fall out of my mouth...but no, I'm better than that, and better than them. Maybe someone should cut their pay in half so they can see how infuriating it is. My rage right now is beyond (decent) words, and good manners. I'm going to the HR to raise hell if they don't fix it ASAP. God help them if they give me crap about this again.

Breathe in...breathe out...yeah, I can handle this, sure I can.

I feel exhausted but in a good way. Pulling late-night baby duty is bad for my sleep habits, but looking at his little pudgy face is what keeps me going....especially when he giggles in his sleep. It's enough to justify smothering our little bundle of joy with kisses. I hope he grows up to be a better person than me. Having been a parent for a month now, it's overwhelming to look too far into the future. One day a time is my motto and mantra these days. It's hard to imagine myself walking the path that my Dad took 24 years ago. Even during my undergraduate years, I felt that my peers were way more mature than me - I felt positively infantile next to them.

Apolitical is an adjective that would fit me, but for some strange reason, I've gone to some anti-Erap sites and others that rage against the Philippine political machinery. I don't have much of an opinion on politics, but it's hard for me not to see what a pompous poser douchebag of a president Erap was. What burns me up is that he likes to polarize the brainwashed underprivileged masses against the other well-to-do social classes. When the chips are down for him, he'll blow the whole thing out of proportion and turn it into a class war. I can't get over the fact that his supporters are totally blind to his bullshit. Come on, how can one claim to be a man of the people while living out a lifestyle none of them could hope to have in three lifetimes?? It's hypocrisy at its best. Sheesh.

More on this tomorrow - gotta finish up on some stuff...

Shades of Smith



"I was walking along the road with two friends.
The sun was setting.
I felt a breath of melancholy -
Suddenly the sky turned blood-red.
I stopped, and leaned against the railing, deathly tired -
looking out across the flaming clouds that hung like blood and a sword
over the blue-black fjord and town.
My friends walked on - I stood there, trembling with fear.
And I sensed a great, infinite scream pass through nature."

- by Edvard Munch, 22 January 1892

Once again, the pressure is on. I can feel it permeating every pore of my body. It seeps in, crushing the core of my being little by little. Sometimes, I wish for a better version of myself: one who knows nothing of sickness, fatigue, hunger, or stress...and someone who can will himself at two places at once, or three even. I wish I could just shout my lungs out...a good catharsis to be sure.

This quote scares me because one day I might end up believing it:

"Guilt is like a bag of fuckin' bricks. All ya gotta do is set it down." (Al Pacino/John Milton, from the movie Devil's Advocate)

This next one (from the same movie) is unrelated to what I'm feeling now, but is equally scary (and true). This illustrates the double-edged-sword type of danger that democracy and free enterprise poses to humans:

"You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire; you build egos the size of cathedrals; fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God... and where can you go from there?" (Al Pacino/John Milton)

Which Martix Persona do you emulate at the moment??



Miiissssterrrr Andersonnnnn.....

Don't need Quizilla to tell me that. The reason being that his statement below fits my view on life when I'm pissed off:

**Agent Smith is back at the window of the office, staring out into the world**

He turns to Agent Brown.

Agent Smith : Why isn't the serum working?

Agent Brown : Perhaps we're asking the wrong questions...

Agent Smith : Leave me with him!

**Agent Brown and Agent Jones look at each other, surprised**

Agent Smith : Now!

**They hurriedly leave**

**Agent Smith grabs Morpheus' head with his hands**

Agent Smith : Can you hear me, Morpheus? I'm going to be honest with you.. I hate this place...this..zoo, this..prison, this...reality.. whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer...

It's the smell. If there is such a thing...I feel... saturated by it. I can...taste, your stink. And every time I do, I feel I have somehow been..infected by it, it's repulsive! I must get out of here. I must get free...

Ok, so maybe it's not the smell, but just being dismayed about reality sometimes.

To The Karmic Gods of Justice:

If there is such a thing as karma, then the gods of retribution are coming to charge their dues today. A thousand pounds of emotional weight bears upon my shoulders. Is there anything I can do to pay your fees? Maybe you'll accept my tears as payment, I have plenty of that at the moment.

RE: It Should All End, part 4 (a.k.a. Independence day)

In response to Ian's post, it reminds me of my own situation in 2001. I recently just graduated and moved in with my mom when she started living at a condominium in Boni. We were already having some long-standing personal issues between us, but it didn't reach its peak until that time. I don't really want to go into the details of it, but it ended with us having a huge argument one day, and me storming out of there with two gym bags full of my immediate possessions. It was more of emotional issues than financial actually.

I was confident to move out on extremely short notice because a few months back, my close friend was bugging me to move in with him. His family was renting a small 3 floor dorm at manila (right behind UST). So, as fate would have it, I moved in with him and his cousins (college students), and lived there for a year (and subsequently got married). I can say I learned a lot from that experience. You got to manage your time on your own terms. Ang sarap pala umuwi at any time you please...without having to worry if the parental units will get upset at you. The first few weeks for me were tough though - good thing Pauline was there to support me since day one...that definitely made it easier for me to adjust to my new life...supporting myself. Food was no problem, but the laundry was another story. On some days, I did it myself. Since walang washing machine, mano-mano yung gawa ko. Nakaupo and nagkuskos. If I'm lazy enough, I just took my stuff to the cleaners next door, although I was hesistant to do so. I had this fear in the back of my mind that they might steal some articles of my clothing.

And you also had to learn how to be patient with your fellow inhabitants. My friend's brother, a huge fan of local rap metal acts like Slapshock and Greyhoundz would sometimes crank up the stereo at the most innapropriate hours (well for me anyways, when I'm on C shift). But still, I was able to get along with everyone there, mababit naman kasi sila sa akin. In fact, I'm good friends with most of them to this day.

Of course, some folks in the family didn't take it well that I suddenly just left...but I felt at the time that I needed my own space. Nagalit pa nga yung iba sa akin. Sabi nga ni Ice, perceived as disobedience yung ganun. Well, somehow I was able to stand my ground, and they eventually accepted my decision. One year nga lang before they got over it. Oh, and I also had a problem with one other boarder in the place. You see, he was of the supernatural sort, if you get my drift. One night, I was sleeping alone on the 3rd floor. I was half asleep when I felt the weight of bed shift, just like when someone lies beside you. To my horror, there was no one there...and I heard someone crying. Right beside me, in my ear, of all things. It turns out that the previous guy living there hanged himself....IN THE VERY SAME DAMNED ROOM I WAS SLEEPING IN.

Ah, the perils of being an adult....

Our baby boy's finally here! After being on leave for a week, I'm not accustomed to staring at the computer monitor for long periods of time. Plus, lately sleep is now a just a luxury I can't afford. As I'm writing this, my eyeballs hurt and my head is throbbing. I passed by the clinic to get some paracetamol...hope it kicks in soon.

We're slated to move to a nearby building within this month. I just hope the parking there is more coherent, reasonable and democratic. I don't mind parking at the lower level, but there should be more slots for the employees. The arrangement of the slots is designed in such a way that they're lined up from front to back, not side by side. That means that if someone parks in front of you, you're gonna have a hell of a time getting out. The only easy slots to get in and out of are reserved for the managers. What's up with that? It doesn't bug me that some slots are reserved (which is normal), or the distance from the elevator, but the fact that only managers can get to park in and out with ease is highly annoying. That **SHOULD** be everybody's right, regardless of the job position. It's an endless source of hassle for a lotta of us here.

Fatherhood, what can I say? I'm taking this one day at a time, so I sincerely wish that I don't mess up our firstborn or be a source of neurosis for him. I'll just try to recall how my own parents raised me, that's a good start dontcha think?? We were just lucky that we had just enough to cover the bill...well thanks to generous family members anyway, plus my salary loan and 13th month pay. There's lot of good things I should be thankful for I guess, despite my whinings about everyday nuisances.

By the way, my posts starting 2004 will now be set to the correct local date/time: Manila. Previously it was set to US time.