Friday, October 22, 2004

** ripped off this funny stuff from

I really don't mean to give rap so much attention, but once again, something made my eye twitch enough that I couldn't help myself. There's a video for this 50 Cent collaboration called G-Unit. The song is "Poppin Them Thangs," and yes, I know you're as impressed as I am with that title. Basically the checked box on the Formulaic Rap Video Construction form is C. "I'm a Mob Kingpin, so don't try to step or you'll get smacked down - note how nobody smiles ever - that means WE HARD." Of course, having the ability to rhyme words with other words makes you an unstoppable force in the underworld, able to strike fear in the hearts and command the respect of big time mob bosses. "Holy shit. He can rhyme FOCUS with LOCUST! Oh, man! He's got a big gold medallion... AND IT SPINS! That spinning medallion definitely makes him too HARD for our entire criminal organization to compete with. Don't mess!" There are subtitles at the bottom of the screen showing the dialogue between the various mob bosses. One of them says, "I don't approve of you. You are SHINNING a light into our darkness." Who fucking wrote these subtitles, Groundskeeper Willy? How could such a glaring spelling mistake slip by the hundreds of people who no doubt saw the completed video before its release? Wasn't there even ONE person who saw it and said,"Yo, dawg, dat's dope, yo, werd. But, yo! You misspelled 'shining'"? How could they spend millions on the production of the album and video and then hire some illiterate fuckass to write the subtitles? How? Because obviously all of the people involved in production of the video, especially the artists, ARE RETARDED. I caught the error the very first time I saw the video, and I was only watching it for the same reason I would listen to G. Gordon Liddy or Rush Limbaugh; to know more about what I think is stupid. If you're going to spend assloads of money, put it on MTV and BET and show it to millions of people on probably a half-hourly basis (on the rare occasions that they are actually showing music videos) wouldn't it make sense to proofread it to avoid looking like illiterate fucktards? There's no way you can play it off as the intentional misspelling that rappers always do, either. This isn't "dawgz," this is "SHINNING," I guess meaning "to SHIN." I guess when you're as stupid as G-Unit is anyway, literacy can't help or hurt your image. I wonder how many of their fans even noticed. I guess if you're stupid enough to think G-Unit is really cool, you're stupid enough to miss glaring spelling errors in bold capital letters at the bottom of your TV. In a way, though, I have to say I'm proud of G-Unit for employing people with physical disfigurements. Lloyd Banks proves that even if you have a hare lip and a lazy eye, you can make it as a big time rap star.

Side note: The other options on the Formulaic Rap Video Construction Form are:

A. "Gigantic party at a mansion with lots of money falling from the sky, lots of $200K+ cars parked out front and lots of girls in bikinis. Girl to guy ratio is 5/1. Everyone at the party is rich and black,"

B. "Getting chased by the cops in my Lamborghini talking on the cell phone while a hot chick or the album's producer is driving. Variation: Instead of cops chasing me in a Lamborghini, this could be interchanged with cruising in a Hummer limo and giving everyone 'the vapors,' Same shit, different vibe."

D. "Every girl in the club is mostly naked and very attractive and is so impressed by my jewelry that they're all competing to get to fuck me"

E. "Generic choreographed dance video with amorphous high contrast sets and possibly flood lights arranged to spell out the rapper's name,"

F. "Seemingly pedestrian environment such as a barber shop, diner, car wash, movie theatre, etc. where lots of hot chicks are dumping their boyfriends because my jewelry, car, clothes, etc. are so impressive that they just have to fuck me," G. "Here I am hanging out in a shitty neighborhood. This means I'm true to my roots, despite the fact that I arrived in a limo and will be going to a four star restaurant to eat foie gras and beluga caviar after the video shoot." (Default for all selections: Four or six point star filter used on camera lens in conjunction with bright lighting to make jewelry appear to sparkle blindingly.)


(I hate) Rappers who continually flaunt their jewelry, cars, cell phones, and women, implying somehow that their wealth is due to being some sort of criminal underworld power figure. Of course you have money! Of course you get laid! You're a multiplatinum MUSICIAN, numbnuts. If you put a potato on-stage in front of 10,000 people, SOMEONE would want to fuck it. Last time I checked, the job title "Musician" didn't make you a tough guy, though I feel myself straining calling someone a musician when their real job title should be "Inarticulate guy with an undeserved large ego who has friends in the music industry and puts on a mean face anytime someone puts a camera in front of him." Big Pun died of a heart attack? GO FIGURE! He was 675 pounds and STILL tried to brag about his sexual prowess. Ahh - money, jewelry, cars, guns, and sluts... what an endless source for creative, inspired music writing. (Insert 6 minutes of repeating unchanging sampled beatloop here).