Monday, January 19, 2004
Shades of Smith

"I was walking along the road with two friends.
The sun was setting.
I felt a breath of melancholy -
Suddenly the sky turned blood-red.
I stopped, and leaned against the railing, deathly tired -
looking out across the flaming clouds that hung like blood and a sword
over the blue-black fjord and town.
My friends walked on - I stood there, trembling with fear.
And I sensed a great, infinite scream pass through nature."

- by Edvard Munch, 22 January 1892

Once again, the pressure is on. I can feel it permeating every pore of my body. It seeps in, crushing the core of my being little by little. Sometimes, I wish for a better version of myself: one who knows nothing of sickness, fatigue, hunger, or stress...and someone who can will himself at two places at once, or three even. I wish I could just shout my lungs out...a good catharsis to be sure.

This quote scares me because one day I might end up believing it:

"Guilt is like a bag of fuckin' bricks. All ya gotta do is set it down." (Al Pacino/John Milton, from the movie Devil's Advocate)

This next one (from the same movie) is unrelated to what I'm feeling now, but is equally scary (and true). This illustrates the double-edged-sword type of danger that democracy and free enterprise poses to humans:

"You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire; you build egos the size of cathedrals; fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God... and where can you go from there?" (Al Pacino/John Milton)